Japanese Vending Machines & the Panty Myth

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This is a Sriracha vending machine. It is not found in America, but in Japan, the country about which I write this which whom blog. And we didn’t see it near a restaurant or supermarket or in a crowded neighborhood where tourists might go. It was in a little walkway by a train station in an out-of-the-way neighborhood in outer Tokyo.

Japan is like that. You find strange vending machines all over the place. Let’s explore the world of Japanese vending machines and the one myth about Japan I wish would die (even more than all the other myths I wish would die).

Drink vending machines in Japan

When I first moved to Japan (the first time, in 2007), I was rushing to get to work, tired, probably hungover, when I came across a vending machine with cans of coffee. I didn’t drink coffee at the time, but I liked those bottled Frappuccino drinks, so I decided to try one. What popped out astonished me: a HOT can of coffee.

A can. Of hot coffee. From a vending machine. What is this wizardry?

It’s true, Japanese vending machines have both hot and cold drinks. Look:

This one also has Calorie Mate, which is basically hard tack.

You can choose hot or cold coffee drinks along with tea and corn soup if you’re a crazy person. The hot drinks are so hot that they can be put in your pocket to warm yourself up on a cold day. And then you get to drink the tasty drink.

But then sometimes I get screwed by this. Check out this vending machine at Kudanshita in Tokyo:

Shroedinger’s coffee drinks.

Which one is it? It’s both blue and red! Whichever one it was, it was the opposite of what I wanted. But anyway, I love those coffee drinks in summer and winter, so I love being able to get them hot or cold. I love coffee, is what I’m saying.

At the ferry station to Awaji Island not far from Kobe, we found this machine that serves iced coffee, banana juice, and other drinks in cup form. Nice and fresh and delicious. Better than bottled? I can’t remember.

They come from Obscura Coffee Roasters.

In our neighborhood of Sangenjaya, you can find fresh coffee beans from Obscura in a vending machine on the street. I think the prices are pretty close to what you’d pay at the store, so if you have a late-night coffee need and don’t want to slum it at the konbini, this is the place to go.

If you’ve been to a fancy airport, you’ve probably seen this orange juice vending machine. But Harajuku also has an apple version that looks good but I haven’t tried. Maybe if they had a hot apple cider version, I’d be more inclined.

Go to Shinjuku, see stuff like this.

This appears to be a vending machine of chocolate mint drinks. I don’t know, man. Maybe they’re good.

There are plenty of alcohol vending machines in Japan containing beer or sake. Somehow, they don’t have issues with kids getting drunk (beyond those any country has). I can’t imagine life if one of these had been near me in college.

At this vending machine, you can get pre-alcohol drinks, which you take before a night of binge drinking so you’ll feel better in the morning. I have no need for this, but I did when I was in my 20s. Wish I’d lived by one of these at the time. Also wish I hadn’t drank for so long. Don’t drink, kids; life gets way better after; you meet a Japanese chick and she marries you.

Is it time to admit I don’t know what CBD is? Either way, I don’t care to try it.

This one appears to contain CBD drinks, which I guess means CBD isn’t weed because weed is illegal in Japan? CBD is close though, right? I don’t care. I don’t want it.

Drinks aren’t all that’s on offer. They have the regular snack vending machines, and so, so, so, so much more.

Food vending machines in Japan

They put this machine out front of our old apartment building in Kobe. It contains frozen food like udon, ramen, and tempura at really cheap prices. There’s even a 1,000 yen unagi (eel) that I always threatened to try but never did. My greatest regret.

Healthy snacks? Not on my watch.

Lately, we’ve seen these Apple Sweets machines popping up. I assumed they were for parents to buy healthy snacks for little kids, but Eriko informed me that this is not the case. It’s actually for high school kids studying for exams who need an energy boost. I imagine zero high school kids are buying these, opting for crazy nitro sugar fuel instead.

Baskin-Robbins is getting in on the vending machine craze. At least this one is near a BR shop. I’m not sure what the flavor “Popping Shower” is supposed to mean, but I’m sure I’d really like it. Call me, BR.

This is onigiri, rice surrounded by seaweed and filled with fish, meat, or other. It’s not something you’d want if it isn’t fresh. Or maybe you would. I kind of want to try these. I’m hungry.

Gross.

This vending machine in Shimokitazawa contains natto, the final boss of Japanese cuisine. Natto is fermented soybeans. It’s one of those things that if you ate it as a kid, you like it, but everyone else thinks it’s the most disgusting thing on Earth. I am everyone else.

Those other spots aren’t empty. That’s invisible chocolate.

You mean to tell me your town doesn’t have a freshly-made gourmet chocolate vending machine? You poor, poor child - and I do mean poor.

Souvenir and bento vending machines at Tokyo Station

Tokyo Station is where you catch the Shinkansen in Tokyo. Here you’ll see two vending machines: one has little jars of honey that you can bring to your destination as a gift for your hosts. Glass in a vending machine seems dangerous, but they do it how they do it.

The other one has fancy sandwiches to eat on the train. Known as “eki-ben,” bento boxes for the train are a particular delicacy in Japan, and every person you meet will have an opinion on what should be eaten on the train (we like to go to Eataly at Tokyo Station before riding the Shinkansen, but that’s us we’re international).

There’s a lot more food in Japanese vending machines, but if you’re not hungry or thirsty, they’ve still got you covered.

Non-food items in Japanese vending machines

Muji is like Pier 1 mixed with Old Navy. They’ve got home goods and cheap clothes and office supplies and whatever else you desire. If you’ve got a desperate need for household items and can’t wait until the store opens, you can try this big vending machine.

Are you a pathetic geek? An unapologetic loser? A disgusting, worthless dweeb? Well, then come on down and spend $100 for a pack of Pokemon cards at this vending machine. Nothing much to say about this other than that it’s for losers. BTW I love Mario and Star Wars and Ninja Turtles but those things are COOL.

You nerds.

Here’s another trading card vending machine for you One Piece fans. The only thing I know about that show is that it has like 1,000 episodes. No thanks.

It says to touch. Maybe eat?

This vending machine in Shibuya is filled with laundry detergent pods. This actually seems useful. No hate here. Maybe I should try eating them?

Too many books.

Bookstores are too big, that’s what I always say. They’ve always got too many copies of the book you want. Well, how about a book vending machine that’s only partially full? Perfect. Buy your books here.

Seen in Shinjuku.

We’ve all been there; you forgot your anniversary because you’re a sitcom character and you need flowers, STAT. So you just hit up the flower vending machine and get a thoughtful gift of some fresh bubs. Bubs? Yeah, bubs. Bubs of flowers.

There are plenty of other strange items I’ve found in Japanese vending machines: yakiniku sauce (not near a place that sells meat, just in a random neighborhood), neckties, gym clothes (at Round 1). But there’s one question I get that needs to be addressed…

So: are there vending machines with little girls’ used panties all over Japan?

No. No, there are not. This is the myth that won’t die. From movies like The Informant! to every TV show and stand-up comedian and Internet jargoff, you’ll find plenty of sources telling you that you can just walk around Japan and see vending machines filled with used schoolgirl panties. Except you can’t.

It’s true that Japan has a[n un]healthy culture of hentai and all that, and given that the age of consent is a shocking 13, I’m sure you can buy schoolgirl panties at pornography stores. But you don’t see them in vending machines on random streets. That’s where Sriracha is sold. I have never seen a vending machine of panties - that doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but they’re not everywhere out in the open.

So next time someone asks if Japan is full of perverts buying panties all the time, you can confidently say “yeah, but not as much as you think.” Except there is just one thing…

That’s 1,000 yen, or around $6.30.

Here we have a vending machine filled with $6 off-brand Fleshlights, or pocket etc.s, or whatever you may call them. Right out in the open, in the middle of a big shopping complex. If you’ll notice, it says there’s a 1 in 100 chance of getting a “GOLDEN TENGA.” I don’t know what makes the golden one special. Do I want to know? Maybe.

Japan, baby!

Strange vending machines around the world

Japan is not the only place we’ve seen weird vending machines. Take a look:

Barcelona’s BCN airport has a vending machine with Jamon Iberico. I really wish I’d known about this before spending a ton of money to get it from room service.

From a train stop in the city of Paris people.

And look at this one from Paris. The drinks! They’re upside-down! So crazy!

We will update this post more as we find new cool vending machines!